It's Over And It's Okay
CLOSURE can mean a lot of things in Philosophy and Math. But as far as romance is concerned, closure is the right word for the complete conclusion of a relationship.It is that distinct sense of freedom from all the grudges, bitterness and resentments that a bad breakup may have brought. Closure is also freedom from wishful thinking, false hopes and incessant novenas for the loved one to come back. Simply put, when you've found closure, it means you know it's over, and it's just okay that way.
The question is: When do you say "It's over and it's just okay?"
A normal person won't be happy to end a relationship that's been a part of his/her life, especially if the relationship has lasted for a significant length of time. Still, it does not mean that no normal person would end a relationship. In fact, a mentally sound person would know when a relationship should come to an end.
Following are some of the possible scenarios that can lead to a breakup (not in any order): lack of common interests, infidelity, boredom, pride, selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity, the presence of a third party, etc. Some relationships overcome, some try to overcome; but not every relationship can overcome these issues.
Let's face it: Everybody wants something more -- especially if he or she ends up with people who are used to giving much less than what they can actually give.
Once the stage of being so blindly in love is over and all the romantic issues are exposed, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stay, especially when things just get worse day by day. (Sometimes, they don't really get worse; they just become more obvious.)
Then once the limit for overcoming is met, the breakup happens. If you've been around, or have friends who have been around, you'll know for sure that breakups never just happen. A breakup is always the end result of a series of unpleasant events. Falling out of love is merely one of these unpleasant occurrences.
In an ideal breakup, one partner says it's over, and the other agrees and even feels relieved that the breakup need not come from him/her, or that finally, the breakup happened before the relationship got any deeper or more serious.
Annie Reed's (Meg Ryan) breakup with her fiancé in "Sleepless in Seattle" is a classic example of a clean, smooth and ideal breakup. Minutes after breaking up with the guy she can't afford to marry, she's with Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) and they are free to start a new relationship without fear of being stalked, threatened, humiliated or cursed.
We all wish every breakup is like that. But not everyone finds closure fast and easy, especially when there are no Sam Baldwin’s or Annie Reeds meeting on top of the Empire State Building. Enough about the movies! In real life, closure does not come easily to everyone. This is because not everyone understands why breakups need to happen.
In a funny way, even with a list of a thousand reasons for a breakup, the other party would still think that the issues could be worked out. This is tricky because once you hear of a reason leading to a breakup, it should be quite evident that your loved one is unhappy with you. And once you start coming up with a rebuttal, it only means you're making an argument, not to save the relationship, but to prove that you're right.
On the one hand, it's good to "fight" for your love. On the other hand, what would you be fighting for if the other person has decided to move on? Where is the "love" in that person?
Different marks
I've seen people who found it hard to let go because they thought the reasons given to them were lame and irrational. They try to argue back, without realizing that the reasons were only lame and irrational to them because they're looking at their relationship in different ways. They're not on the same page. They're going on different directions. They're not aiming for the same marks. Therefore, it does not make sense for them to continue on a journey together.
Who is "the third party?" This androgynous character is so notorious for breaking up a lot of relationships. Poor Third Party, even when you're not the real reason, others would still put the blame on you, not getting that you won't be in the scene without much help from the first or second party.
People just give you too much credit because you're easier to blame. In "My Best Friend's Wedding," Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) couldn't let go of Michael O'Neal (Dermot Mulroney) who was getting married to someone he just met. So with much conviction, she told her gay friend George (Rupert Everett), "I can make him happier than her." To which George replied, "Is this about winning?"
Unfortunately, it is so easy to forget that love is not about winning, or comparing yourself to anyone whom your love interest has chosen to marry. Love is always about giving and setting free.
You can wallow over a broken heart all your life. Or, you can just begin to live with the fact that your relationship may be over, but your life is not, and at the rate the population is increasing on this planet, there's a good chance you'll meet someone new and begin a new relationship.
Form your own closure by accepting that it's over and love is not about winning. It's always about the journey.
Again, question: When do you say that "It's over and it's just okay?"
Answer: Whenever you're willing and ready. (Keep saying you're not, and you never will be.)
posted by Yvonne @ Thursday, February 22, 2007
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